We were in west van. We were smoking near one of those creeks that go under the road. Kind of like a ravine…. I had a little too much of everything that night and went to go sit down on that thing that stops cars and stuff from going into the creek. My phone just happened to be in my pocket, And some how i sat at an angle were the thing that i was sitting on popped the phone right out of my pocket into that stupid ass ravine. Now, i was in no condition to go down there. So, my lovely friend did it for me. She went in there searching, finding absolutely nothing…. Drunk people dont give up very easily. So she stayed down there looking for a phone that could have possibly floated away. A couple minutes later some random dude with speakers in his backpack sauntered by and asked what the hell we were doing. I told him the story and he jumped right down into that ravine to help…except now we know that he wasnt actually down there to help. “Hey my names Andy” he said to my friend. My friend introduced herself and as soon as she was done saying her name this random dude jumped on her face and proceeded to try and make out with her. I stood there looking down on all of this, not able to do anything but sit down, so i said the most reasonable thing to say to my friend at that time. I told her to get the fuuckkk out of there. After she had escaped from the face sucking monster she scampered up the side only to have some lady screaming at her to get off her property. Luckily at the same time our ride arrived, so we got out of there leaving the random bucket mouth under the bridge. Other friends went to go look for my phone the next morning, to find nothing. So somewhere in that creek lies my blackberry, terribly water logged.
After watching some lady pour around 7 packets of sugar in her already sweetened vanilla latte she came up to me and proceeded to tell me that she had to go to the dentist today and shouldnt be drinking coffee. This is when i noticed the complete and utter blackness of her teeth…or what was left of them. She told me she hadnt been to the dentist in 4 year. Well yeah no shit lady….
Then some while later after noticing that Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros- 40 day dream had been playing in repeat for a solid hour some woman came up to me and asked me that name of the song and the band. She then decided to dance a little in front on the counter for me, while i awkwardly didnt know where the hell to look. After her weird little salsa show was done she told me that she loved the sound of Edward Sharpe because he sounded like Amy Whinehouse and that it had a New Orleans touch to it…….
Not even camping in Australia with 75% rum mustered up this amount of puke.
Canada has taken the epic win, with a barf every morning and every night for 2 nights. And these were some high quality pukes
The gargoyle contorted face barf. The quick bag chunder out of the tent. The retardedly pink red wine chunder from a man who should never drink red wine, and the beauteous morning sounds of the yell barfer.
So.. turns out working in a coffee shop includes meeting some incredibly strange people.
First theres Georgio, the 70 year old Italian casanova.
He comes in everyday….creepily talk/yells to himself in the corner, and constantly tries to smooth down the hair that isnt really there anymore….Hes asked several coworkers out…..and has some staring issues.
Second there is Unamed Hobo Number 1.
He comes in everyday and since we cant understand what hes saying, he automatically gets a free small coffee.. A couple days ago he tried to talk to me and im pretty sure he said ” I have a new ID, it was very hard for me to find”…But im not positive.
Third there is Unamed hobo number 2.
He comes in gives me tips while i stealthily try and slide him a free coffee, before my boss comes in….AND THEN HE PROCEEDS TO STEAL ALL THE FUCKING SUGAR.
Fourthly there is Carol.
Possibly the nicest old lady in the world. I make her coffee and the next day she comes back and gives me a key chain with my name on it.
Fifthly there is random dude who likes to talk about EVERYFUCKINGTHING.
"I might go join this gym due to the fact that the membership is so low but its only because the equipment is awful", "Next time i bake something ill bring it in for you guys", "Two weeks ago my neice helped me bake some sugar cookies", "My neice plays the cello, which in my opinion is so much better than the violin"………too much.
Sixthly is random Celebrity photogrpaher
Im supposed to call this guy if i see either Ryan Reynolds, and that dude from Dawsons Creek…..he pays in cash for tips….photographer or stalker.
Seventhly theres the couple.
The couple that comes in sits down in the same booth everytime. Doesnt fucking buy anything. And just makes out……k fuck noooo. Im on a 8 hour shift and i dont want to hear your gross face sucking noises of doom.
And this is only two weeks into the job…
And of course I work at a freaking coffee shop
Woke up in the clothes from last night.
the fucking sun run going by my house.
my phone has no battery in it.
Find phone battery in pocket thanks to my friend who reminded me last time i was drunk i put it in my pocket.
find phone battery in pocket.
find out that someone puked last night.
Hope it wasnt me.
Look at online bank status.
Find that i spent around $200 last night.
Arrive at UVIC at 11 ish
Loose my phone
Get ticketed by the cops
Pour out 7 unopened beers
Drink too much like a madwoman
Puke in Johns garbage can
Dear man reading the cannabis magazine infront of me. I love you